Rejected Fullmetal Alchemist Filler Episode
by Ashkelives
Summary: Mustang whores out the army! including himself Riza Hawkeye reveals herself as a giggling fangirl! Crack fic, yaoi warning, smut in later chapters which will depend on comments, fluff, Couples: HavocxMustangxFuryxEd. . .take your pick. . .Please read and


Title: Rejected Fullmetal Alchemist Filler Episode

Summary: Mustang is da P.I.M.P, beeotches!

Warnings: Yaoi, Yaoi, Shounen ai, Yaoi. . . RoyxEd, HavocxFury, definately some smut in later chapters. . .

Disclaimer: Nope, the only thing I own is this computer, and it doesn't even like me, lol

A crack fic! Very Crack fic! Done sorta script style.

This would definately be one of my favorite episodes, heh heh heh. . .

**Rejected Fullmetal Alchemist Filler Episode **( Heh heh)

(open on Roy Mustang, looking slightly devious, holding a large piece of cardboard behind his back and a bright red marker between his teeth. He is standing in what appears to be some sort of park area, just off a corner side walk, right in front of a large shady oak. He glances around mischievously, apparently checking for spectators.)

(Mustang pulls cardboard from behind his back and props it against the oak, taking the marker in hand)

Mustang: Heh heh, this is going to be great.

(He scribbles something on cardboard, then jumps as he hears footsteps behind him, he spins on his heel, to see Edward Elric walking his way, humming to himself.)

(Edward looks over and notices Mustang standing there, trying to block the card board.)

Mustang: (slightly nervous laughter) Oh, hello there, Fullmetal, going for a stroll?

Edward: Yeah, obviously, Colonel, what are you doing her-HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!

(Mustang tries to slide in front of the sign)

Mustang: (nervous laughter, glare) It's nothing, heh.

Sign-  
Edward Elric! The Fullmetal Alchemist!  
Make him your uke for a night!  
Only $50.50! It's a steal!  
You know you want him!  
(all checks must be payable to Roy Mustang, sorry, no c.o.d.s,  
4 hours at a time, non-refundable)

Edward: facevault YOU'RE SELLING ME! AS A GODAMM UKE? FOR ONLY 50 BUCKS!

(Ed looks at the sign and back at Mustang incredulously, jaw on the ground, vein throbbing in forehead.)

Mustang: (smug smile) No, Fullmetal, I am selling you as an uke for $50 bucks and 50 cents! Ha Ha!

Edward: (glares angrily and crosses his arms, studying the sign) Why FUCKING UKE?

Mustang: Look, Fullmetal, I'm low on cash, and who in there right mind would want you on top? (grin) You are to rambunctious, you would cause to much damage! This, this is a  
steal! Do you know how much cash I can make off of you? You're valued property!

Edward:(blush) Really? Wait what the hell am I saying? You CAN'T do this! (glare)

(footsteps approach, and Havoc appears around the corner, whistling)

Mustang: (puts his hand over Ed's mouth) Hush, Fullmetal, here is our first customer now. . .

( Mustang clears his throat and waves his arm toward the sign, still holding Ed firmly)

Mustang: Good day, Havoc! Might I interest you in a little business endeavor?

Havoc: Um, hello, Colonel. What business endea- (sees the sign, then takes a double take look at Ed and Roy, Ed flailing in Mustang's arms) holy crap, is that for real? (points to the sign)

Mustang: (nods) Of course it's for real! (salesman like laughter) Isn't it a steal?

Havoc: (considers this) Yeah, I guess you're right.

(Havoc walks to Ed, who is now in a state of shock, staring blankly up at the two men. He reaches his hand out to the top of Ed's head and then pulls it back to his body. It comes to just above his hip,)

Havoc: Alright! You've got yourself a deal! (grins at Ed)

Mustang: Great! (extends his palm to Havoc with a sober look.) Now pay up, I need the cash.

Havoc: (looks at Mustang, studying him intently) You know, I bet everyone would pay twice as much for the same deal if it was you instead. (grin)

Mustang: (looks thoughtful) Really? You think so? (looks at sign thoughtfully and then grabs the marker again)

Havoc: Oh yeah, I'm sure, I know I would.

(Mustang scribbles away at the poster)

Poster-

Edward Elric! The Fullmetal Alchemist!  
Make him your uke for a night!  
Only $50.50! It's a steal!  
You know you want him!  
(all checks must be payable to Roy Mustang, sorry, no c.o.d.s,  
4 hours at a time, non-refundable)  
And now, for a limited time only, Roy Mustang! $300.75! For a whole 30 minutes!  
(however, if you want himas uke, price will go up, depending on who you are.)  
You know you can't resist the Flame!

Edward: Wait a goddam minute, $300! This is so not fair! (looks at Havoc angrily) You think he is worth that much more than me! (glare)

Havoc: (pats Ed's head) Whoa, calm down there, uke boy, I'm sure he'll give you a discount.

Edward: (facevaults)

(more footsteps begin to approach, and Fury appears , taking a glance over, and then a double take)

Mustang: Yes, Fury! You know you want me! Pay up!

Fury: Actually, Colonel, I was wondering how much it would cost for Havoc. (broad grin and blush at Havoc)

Havoc: Whoa! (looks at Fury hopefully) You would pay for me? Yay! (hugs Fury)

Fury: (blush blush)

Mustang: Alright! This is going better than I expected!

(takes out the marker and turns to sign yet again)

Sign-

Edward Elric! The Fullmetal Alchemist!  
Make him your uke for a night!  
Only $50.50! It's a steal!  
You know you want him!  
(all checks must be payable to Roy Mustang, sorry, no c.o.d.s,  
4 hours at a time, non-refundable)  
And now, for a limited time only, Roy Mustang! $300.75! For a whole 30 minutes!  
(however, if you want himas uke, price will go up, depending on who you are.)  
You know you can't resist the Flame!  
Now introducing Havoc! The blonde you all know and love! $200.25 for an hour!  
Come and get 'em!

Edward: HOLY SHIT! He's worth more than me too? (looks teary eyed to Mustang) How could you DO this to ME?

Mustang: Aw, come on, Edward, be glad you're getting any money at all! We all know you give it up for free!

Havoc: Geez, Colonel, why don't you just whore out the whole army? (goes back to hugging Fury)

Mustang: (looks thoughtful) You know, Havoc, that's not such a bad idea. And when I'm fuhrer, I will have the authority to do ju-

(More footsteps approach, and Riza Hawkeye appears. She looks over at the men, then at the sign, then back at the men, then back at the sign. She smiles mischievously.)

Mustang: Hawkeye! Might I interest you in a-

Hawkeye: (sly smile) I'll pay $800.00 each if you let me watch.

(The males turn and look at one another, each one sizing up the other.)

All males: Deal!

Hawkeye: (grin) That's what I thought. Now who's got a camera?

(more footsteps approach, and Fuhrer Bradley now comes around the corner, looking surly)

Bradley: (sees the sign, jaw drops) Colonel! What is the meaning of this? (points to sign)

Mustang: (does not hear, he is to busy staring deviously at Ed, who is staring back , looking rather frightened. . .and excited) Huh, what? Pardon me, Fuhrer?

Bradley: (fumes at them all) I CANNOT ALLOW THIS TO GO ANY FURTHER! I AM GOING TO STOP THIS RIGHT NO-

Hawkeye: (pulls out her pistols and aims them at Bradley, firing a warning shot that blazes past his ear) Don't even think about it, Fuhrer sir.I will not hesitate. And by the way, do you have a camera?

Bradley: (yelps and runs away screaming) You're all psycho! I resign!

Edward: (turns to Mustang, still blushing)Looks like your dream of being Fuhrer is closer to coming true.

Mustang: (daydreaming of Edward) Huh? Yeah, of course.

Edward: (blush blush)  
Mustang: (blush blush)

Fury and Havoc: (hug hug)

(Edward and Mustang fly at each other and kiss passionately)

Hawkeye: (giggles like a schoolgirl) This is so great! Yay!

**End**

Please read and review!

You reviewers pwn my soul!

(hands you all pieces of her soul)


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